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I'm going to hell.

Heh, had an awesome night again. Didn't sleep last night and I have no idea how I'm still running. I had a lot of fun hanging out with an old friend of mine. I really didn't mean to fall into his bed. But it appears I have no self control once I catch the scent. *-_- And he's deploying to Iraq in a week. And he's getting married Monday. But wow...I had a good time...

This single thing is turning out to be pretty damn awesome. This is the second night in a row that Ive had a really good time that didn't involve me having sex. lol. I went and visited an old friend, Charles Pergament, and all we did was play Borderlands. It is an awesome game and he's in the Army too. We had a great time just playing video games even though we haven't seen each other since he was 15. lol. It's so nice. He's deploying to Iraq on January 3rd. I envy him so much.

So Amy came home with me for a week. And tonight we went to Crush, Orlando's Best Dance Club. IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING! I loved it. The music was awesome,the people were cool, and it was a great high energy atmosphere. I got there about 9:30 but people didn't really show up until 10 but then it got unbelievable. I actually heard about the club through Myspace, they added me. They have this guest list and if you put your name on it before it starts then you can get in free. So I did that earlier today. And they have a free keg of PBR which was nice but beer isnt my style. Wow, though. Wow. I ended up dancing with like 3 different guys and making out with one of them who happened to be a really cute black guy named Yogi. Haha, he was an excellent kisser too. I had my little sister with me though and I kept an eye on her. We left when her feet started to hurt. She was stupid and decided to wear high heels to a dance club. i wore my boots so I was fine. I danced for like 4 hours straight and had the best time I've had in a long long long time. Probably the best time Ive had since I went down to Key West last year. Tonight was truly unbelievable. I love dancing so much.

I just spent the last twelve hours with my head in Star Ocean The Last Hope.....literally. I haven't gotten up for anything in twelve hours. I can't see straight.

They pushed me too far and fucked me too hard.

I changed my status on my Human Resources File in the Army to VOLUNTEER status. Now if any company needs a 74D Specialist that is deploying my name will pop up and they can take me with them. And the best part is that in the Army you can fill a position up to two ranks above your own. So if they need an NBC NCO I am eligible for the position. I'm not flagged for anything, have plenty of civilian education, I can shoot, and I have NOTHING IN MY CIVILIAN LIFE TO HOLD ME DOWN.




It is done...

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done or others and the world remains and is immortal.

I think...

That I'm coming out of my shell of self-imposed hermitage. For years now, I haven't ever felt the need to socialize. Because I was content. I only really needed one person to make me feel ok, and as long as I had that person I could go through the motions of life every day. I fell out of the bed of Calib and kept falling into other beds. Who needs to think, be creative, as long as they have sex? I was born to an addictive nature. Before I started getting involved with boys I was very creative. I would paint, sing, make music, dance, write, and have fun with my friends. I was happy for the most part. I haven't slept alone since I was 16 years old. Except for the past four nights. I feel as though I'm sloughing off a shell of grimy roach-infested bark. I'm taking a look at the person I am.

I hate being alone...but I perversely enjoy the pain it brings. When you feel nothing any type of pain feels like a holiday from the apathy. And yet, I feel the apathy growing into another shell around me. You can't hurt if you don't care right?

There are others that want to be with me. But I'm not so sure I want that yet. And in reality they really don't deserve me. I keep getting the feeling like I'm supposed to be working harder at my job. But it's just so easy.

I was seriously thinking about reclassifying my military occupational specialty into Military Intelligence Imagery Analyst but I took a look at my credit score and they would never grant me the security clearance I would need. Not until I fix that. I literally have the highest ASVAB score in my unit, shoot expert and am the best shot in my unit, passed my PT test, and sergeants are coming to me to ask questions, find the answers, and get things done. They are coming to me before they are even asking people higher than my rank. And people do as I say. Because they know that I'm not going to tell them something stupid or incorrect. And I would never ask them to do something that wasn't necessary. Half of the male soldiers are afraid of me as well, because they know me as the only female that won't take shit from anyone. I'll drop them. lol.

Hopefully I'll make sergeant in a year.

I love the army. But of course it's taking me away from another aspect of my life that I want. I wanted a family. But now I don't have anyone to want a family with. I feel like I have to put those feelings on the back burner and shut myself off from them so the heat can't burn me.

I don't know. I never do. But I always act to the best of my knowledge.

Halloween because you aren't pressured to see your family.

wow. so i have a douchebag boyfriend apparently. He hasn't been home for 2 nights and he had invited me to his families thanksgiving but now he isn't even coming home. Completely ditched me when I could of made plans to go see my family or friends.

Wo0t! I shot expert yesterday at the range! I was the best in the company!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!3-9-2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FFXIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay! Brad talked to me for the first time in like five years on myspace! I'm so happy!


And here's a pic of my new tattoo.

well...I was innocently driving home from school today when a short bus decides to drive out in front of me and make a left turn very slowly. I tried to slow down but it was raining bad and my car locked up and I ran into the back side of the bus. Needless to say my little Kia Rio is done, the short bus is perfect, and insurance won't pay to fix my car. I am screwed....oh and I hate my life.

Well I just got back from Annual Training with the Army at Fort McCoy, Wisconsin. Time away from home has really allowed me to think about what I want from life and it has given me a new look at the one I am currently living. Joe does not want to have to take care of a child if I were to deploy. I want kids. I want to be in the military for at least 20 years so that I can get my pension. So Joe and I are seperating. It hurts so much and I love him a lot but sometimes two people have ideas that just won't work together. I don't know what I am going to do except continue to work, go to school, and go to drills in army.

ok so I have had some pretty wierd dreams lately. There was one dream where I saw a red fish/lizard thing completely devour a gold fish/lizard thing alive in slowmotion. That was wierd. And then there was another dream where Jess was getting married and we were being all giddy about it and riding chocobos down a street. Then I hopped off the chocobo and walked behind a building where Justin Long, the guy who plays in the movie Accepted and others, came walking out of a lumber yard with a pile of wood in his hands and asks me "where did all this work come from?". That was wierd too. I had a couple other wierd ones but I can't rememeber them right now.

...

I got a new puppy. =D He's 7 weeks old and his name is Johnny. He is half short-legged Jack Russel and half doxen with the black and brown rottweiller coloring and his two front paws are white. He's the cutest thing in the world.

oh these humans...

YAY MY CLASSES ARE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -gasps- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And now I am done with 1/4 of my bachelor's degree. Whoopee! 7 week classes suck. peroid. I am the world's wost procrastinator by the way....I waited till yesterday, the final day to turn things in, to complete four different essays. -_-* I completed them by midnight but it took me a good 12 hours of straight work. Bah...now all I have to do is work on my Physical Training so that I can pass my APFT and then I will be stress-free.

My little sister is the most horrible camera person on the earth.

Update to the wedding: It will be on February 25th, 2009 at 1:00 p.m.

Wow, I just had the most random weekend ever. It all started off with me wanted to go to West Palm to visit my grandparents and visit Rhian. So, Saturday afternoon we took off and drove down there. Four hour drive. We grabbed Josh so it was just Josh, Joe, and I. We didn't get there until like 8:30 that night and so we went and got a hotel room and we hung out with Rhian and her gay friend Eric. After that awesomeness we went and watched Friday the 13th at a drive-in theater! It was so much fun and right before the movie started a police helicopter flew over us and started shining it's light on a spot right next to the theater and circling it while cops came flying by with sirens going. It was crazy, we were like "A murderer is going to come running out of there and stab us all" lol. Then we we watched the movie and it was really good for an old horror flick remake. We then parted ways with Rhian and went to sleep at like 2 in the morning. We got up at like 11 and had to rush out of the hotel. We went to go and see my grandparents then but I discovered that my grandfather was in the hospital with Hong Kong Flu. I went to the hospital to visit him and found out that he died twice in the night but the doctors were able to revive him. He was so happy to see me. After we visited with him we tried to get a hold of Rhian to hang out with her some more but she was at her grandparents and we came up with the crazy idea that since we were already halfway there we might as well drive to Key West! So we took off and ended up getting there at like 9:00 at night. We went to duval street and had fun walking around and watching all the drag queen shows lol. The next day we were walking around and I decided to get the pentacle on my back redone because it looked like shit. It now has beautiful vines underneath it and it's awesome! We went swimming in the ocean and it was so much fun. There were fucking chickens everywhere! We started to drive home last night at like 7:00 and didn't get home until 3:00 in the morning. Crazy weekend...