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I just spent the last twelve hours with my head in Star Ocean The Last Hope.....literally. I haven't gotten up for anything in twelve hours. I can't see straight.

They pushed me too far and fucked me too hard.

I changed my status on my Human Resources File in the Army to VOLUNTEER status. Now if any company needs a 74D Specialist that is deploying my name will pop up and they can take me with them. And the best part is that in the Army you can fill a position up to two ranks above your own. So if they need an NBC NCO I am eligible for the position. I'm not flagged for anything, have plenty of civilian education, I can shoot, and I have NOTHING IN MY CIVILIAN LIFE TO HOLD ME DOWN.




It is done...

What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done or others and the world remains and is immortal.

I think...

That I'm coming out of my shell of self-imposed hermitage. For years now, I haven't ever felt the need to socialize. Because I was content. I only really needed one person to make me feel ok, and as long as I had that person I could go through the motions of life every day. I fell out of the bed of Calib and kept falling into other beds. Who needs to think, be creative, as long as they have sex? I was born to an addictive nature. Before I started getting involved with boys I was very creative. I would paint, sing, make music, dance, write, and have fun with my friends. I was happy for the most part. I haven't slept alone since I was 16 years old. Except for the past four nights. I feel as though I'm sloughing off a shell of grimy roach-infested bark. I'm taking a look at the person I am.

I hate being alone...but I perversely enjoy the pain it brings. When you feel nothing any type of pain feels like a holiday from the apathy. And yet, I feel the apathy growing into another shell around me. You can't hurt if you don't care right?

There are others that want to be with me. But I'm not so sure I want that yet. And in reality they really don't deserve me. I keep getting the feeling like I'm supposed to be working harder at my job. But it's just so easy.

I was seriously thinking about reclassifying my military occupational specialty into Military Intelligence Imagery Analyst but I took a look at my credit score and they would never grant me the security clearance I would need. Not until I fix that. I literally have the highest ASVAB score in my unit, shoot expert and am the best shot in my unit, passed my PT test, and sergeants are coming to me to ask questions, find the answers, and get things done. They are coming to me before they are even asking people higher than my rank. And people do as I say. Because they know that I'm not going to tell them something stupid or incorrect. And I would never ask them to do something that wasn't necessary. Half of the male soldiers are afraid of me as well, because they know me as the only female that won't take shit from anyone. I'll drop them. lol.

Hopefully I'll make sergeant in a year.

I love the army. But of course it's taking me away from another aspect of my life that I want. I wanted a family. But now I don't have anyone to want a family with. I feel like I have to put those feelings on the back burner and shut myself off from them so the heat can't burn me.

I don't know. I never do. But I always act to the best of my knowledge.

Halloween because you aren't pressured to see your family.

wow. so i have a douchebag boyfriend apparently. He hasn't been home for 2 nights and he had invited me to his families thanksgiving but now he isn't even coming home. Completely ditched me when I could of made plans to go see my family or friends.

Wo0t! I shot expert yesterday at the range! I was the best in the company!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!3-9-2010!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FFXIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay! Brad talked to me for the first time in like five years on myspace! I'm so happy!


And here's a pic of my new tattoo.

well...I was innocently driving home from school today when a short bus decides to drive out in front of me and make a left turn very slowly. I tried to slow down but it was raining bad and my car locked up and I ran into the back side of the bus. Needless to say my little Kia Rio is done, the short bus is perfect, and insurance won't pay to fix my car. I am screwed....oh and I hate my life.

Well I just got back from Annual Training with the Army at Fort McCoy, Wisconsin. Time away from home has really allowed me to think about what I want from life and it has given me a new look at the one I am currently living. Joe does not want to have to take care of a child if I were to deploy. I want kids. I want to be in the military for at least 20 years so that I can get my pension. So Joe and I are seperating. It hurts so much and I love him a lot but sometimes two people have ideas that just won't work together. I don't know what I am going to do except continue to work, go to school, and go to drills in army.

ok so I have had some pretty wierd dreams lately. There was one dream where I saw a red fish/lizard thing completely devour a gold fish/lizard thing alive in slowmotion. That was wierd. And then there was another dream where Jess was getting married and we were being all giddy about it and riding chocobos down a street. Then I hopped off the chocobo and walked behind a building where Justin Long, the guy who plays in the movie Accepted and others, came walking out of a lumber yard with a pile of wood in his hands and asks me "where did all this work come from?". That was wierd too. I had a couple other wierd ones but I can't rememeber them right now.

...

I got a new puppy. =D He's 7 weeks old and his name is Johnny. He is half short-legged Jack Russel and half doxen with the black and brown rottweiller coloring and his two front paws are white. He's the cutest thing in the world.

oh these humans...

YAY MY CLASSES ARE OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -gasps- !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And now I am done with 1/4 of my bachelor's degree. Whoopee! 7 week classes suck. peroid. I am the world's wost procrastinator by the way....I waited till yesterday, the final day to turn things in, to complete four different essays. -_-* I completed them by midnight but it took me a good 12 hours of straight work. Bah...now all I have to do is work on my Physical Training so that I can pass my APFT and then I will be stress-free.

My little sister is the most horrible camera person on the earth.

Update to the wedding: It will be on February 25th, 2009 at 1:00 p.m.

Wow, I just had the most random weekend ever. It all started off with me wanted to go to West Palm to visit my grandparents and visit Rhian. So, Saturday afternoon we took off and drove down there. Four hour drive. We grabbed Josh so it was just Josh, Joe, and I. We didn't get there until like 8:30 that night and so we went and got a hotel room and we hung out with Rhian and her gay friend Eric. After that awesomeness we went and watched Friday the 13th at a drive-in theater! It was so much fun and right before the movie started a police helicopter flew over us and started shining it's light on a spot right next to the theater and circling it while cops came flying by with sirens going. It was crazy, we were like "A murderer is going to come running out of there and stab us all" lol. Then we we watched the movie and it was really good for an old horror flick remake. We then parted ways with Rhian and went to sleep at like 2 in the morning. We got up at like 11 and had to rush out of the hotel. We went to go and see my grandparents then but I discovered that my grandfather was in the hospital with Hong Kong Flu. I went to the hospital to visit him and found out that he died twice in the night but the doctors were able to revive him. He was so happy to see me. After we visited with him we tried to get a hold of Rhian to hang out with her some more but she was at her grandparents and we came up with the crazy idea that since we were already halfway there we might as well drive to Key West! So we took off and ended up getting there at like 9:00 at night. We went to duval street and had fun walking around and watching all the drag queen shows lol. The next day we were walking around and I decided to get the pentacle on my back redone because it looked like shit. It now has beautiful vines underneath it and it's awesome! We went swimming in the ocean and it was so much fun. There were fucking chickens everywhere! We started to drive home last night at like 7:00 and didn't get home until 3:00 in the morning. Crazy weekend...

Well I'm going to be married on the 25th. We are going to the courthouse. Anyone can come if they want but it isn't going to be a big thing or anything. Joe and I have discussed it and we really don't want it to be with a lot of people, neither of us want our parents at it but friends would be fine =). My phone number is 386-569-0952 if anyone want's to come. We thought it would be funny to be married on Ash Wednesday since my new last name will be Ash. hehe

W00T! I graduated with honors for my Associates Degree! ::does victory dance::

Instructions: Put your favorite music player on shuffle (Party Shuffle on iTunes) and fill in the names of the songs in the order they show up. Or you could pick your own songs, but that's not as much fun.


When I'm drunk I say:

"Sinner" -Drowning Pool

My friends see me as:
"The Final Cut" -Coheed and Cambria

The best thing about me is:
"I want to Fucking Break It" -Static X

If I got lost on a desert island, I would yell:
"Promise" -Mike Got Spiked

I'll have a good day if I can just hear:
"Brainfog" -Static X

My last words will be:
"Eeyore" -Slipknot

At my funeral they'll play:
"Lost Realist" Trapt

Behind my back, my friends think I'm:
"Monolith" - Stonesour

My message to the world has always been:
"Dirty" - Korn

My day will be like:
"Lonely" -Cascada

Happiness is:
"Whatever" -Godsmack

When I'm in the shower, I sing:
"Intolerance" -Tool

My deepest secret is:
"Truly, Madly, Deeply" -Cascada

My innermost desire is:
"Last" -NIN

My birth was like:
"Venus in Fear" -Cradle of Filth

If I reached the top of Mount Everest, what I would scream
"Sugar, we're goin down" -Fallout Boy

My make-out song is:
"Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off" -Panic at the Disco

What I did did last night was:
"Vermillion" -Slipknot

The story of my life is:
"Fuck Frankie" -Marilyn Manson

This song describes my grandparents:
"Counting" -Korn

To cheer myself up I:
"The End of Everything" -Slipknot

Highschool was like:
"Hush" -Tool

What makes me happy is:
"Jonny" -Kittie

My love of life was inspired by the song:
"Kuss Mich" -Rammstein

This song will be playing when I meet the love of my life:
"Burning Flag" -Marilyn Manson

At my wedding they'll play:
"Here I am" -Nickelback

My family is described by the song:
"Thomas" -A Perfect Circle

heres a small glimpse of my hair... go to myspace.com/airdweia to see the rest =)